I Do Not Know

The days that have passed
where I had to interact with persons 
 with the  least  qualifications
 seems to be a nightmare when 
I retrospect.

I give credit to myself
not that I succeeded 
but how I co existed 
how much I have gained?

Gain in the sense of experience
maintained an equilibrium,
sustained a juxtaposition, made
possible with enormous efforts.

I blame myself all the more
 for having lost heavily 
monetarily and been a subject 
of taunt owing to my passiveness.

Which one is greater? remains 
a question. It is all how
one  perceives the situation
money or credibility.

Which way does the balance tilt 
towards  esteem or  through 
disappointment?  I really 
do not know.