Day: June 2, 2016

Read the revised version,

A street car named
desire could ransack
the qualities of a man.
It could rummage
the wealth of a man.

 

A want of a will
could damage all
no matter the place
nor the phase.

A wish for more
destroys like a fire
reduces into a zero.

compare  with the original,

A street car named desire

could rout any of a liar

even in situations dire

wherever it be even in a shire

as it spirals up the entire

leaves nothing in the near

that be its power rather queer

would  bring a fall in a fear.

Pick the best.

Meena.

 

He loves to be in the limelight
sits at the centre of the stage
chairs the meet.

He cherishes his status
acknowledges the greetings
with a smile. Convinced of his stature
he lords over with an air of artificiality.

He is egocentric
Never could he be generic.

The workshopped version of the original,

 

 

it is a delight

to be in a limelight

not once but often

could be in tens

a love to chair the meet

takes up the thought  upbeat

could you call it a feat?

never would I in any treat

as it is absolutely egocentric

never a feel of a generic

 

The revised one,

The delays I encounter
keep me at bay.
I face them
in every phase and place.

The wealth to which I am entitled
has not come to me yet.
The health factor dodges
a strange coincidence.

I am in my twilight years
I see no rhyme or rhythm
life is prosaic and drab.
I am pained. I blame none.
I reconcile, not much I can do.

 

The original,

The days go by

encounter a lot of delays

unable to go about my way

it has been a lifetime

seen no rhyme

whatsoever, be it in wealth

be it in health

that is not all a strength

being a destiny I conclude

playing hard on me  rather rude

accept I without a murmur

while my heart  loses its tremor

well, it is to me all through.

 

Please read them and pick the best.

Meena.